My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
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Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
The biggest mystery of our time
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS