Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
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in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
do horses think humans are hats
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.