Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
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He’s dead
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive