The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
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“no dont leave”
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Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Those are good neighbors.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
I enjoy a good short stor