I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
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i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
My patience has stretch marks.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…