I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
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7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
She puts the hot in psychotic
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’