My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
You Might Also Like
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby