My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
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[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.