that colleague who touches your screen
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Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys