Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
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My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
What about second breakfast?
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
This is my cat’s medicine.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.