A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
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My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Skills
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.