There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
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I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
This cat wants you to take your pills
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna