If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
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If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.