Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
You Might Also Like
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I feel it
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
💁🏻♂️
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.