Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
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I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?