Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
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*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER