Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
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[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?