There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
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I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Meeeee too!
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.