Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
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Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Duolingo getting serious.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want