Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
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“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.