Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
You Might Also Like
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Twitter fine art
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
This is a whole mood;
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.