If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
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I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer