Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
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Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.