*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
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I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Blew my mind.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.