I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
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Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
i would wish you the best but i am the best
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous