If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
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Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!