Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
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Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
the dark web is just a goth google.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Velcrow
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-