I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
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It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
finally found a reasonable question
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
This has made my week.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I want this so bad
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.