[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
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toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.