I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
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Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
thanksgiving in nutshell
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Oops
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals