My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
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Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
listen closely
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then