If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
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Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver