health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
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*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person