remember
only for emergencies
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If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
How to make infinite energy.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I saw nothing
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?