these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
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the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.