Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
You Might Also Like
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
adding to the discourse
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.