Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
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I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Todayâs kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we đ
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kidsâŚI’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. Iâve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
If you donât know what stage your relationship is in, Iâd recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow thatâs scarier. What are they planning?
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang đ
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.â
Itâs not shocking. Iâm watching a show with murder in the title. Iâd be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but Iâm fairly confident I know whatâs up.
a woman wished me a âhappy resurrectionâ today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: weâre friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: âCome on in.â
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.