We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
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landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?