According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
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Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.