wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
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I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Brb my Sims are getting married
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time