Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
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Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!