Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
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My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you