Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
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My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.