My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
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Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.