[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
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are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
My patience has stretch marks.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.