Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
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Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know