Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
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why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
ready to be harvested
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time