#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
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Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
so much to do
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount