Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
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I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?