sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
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I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
A classic…
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.